LIKE TO SPANK THE ACADEMY
who cares about Tony-grubbing old musicals? I just won a real
award, people! A GLAAD? Well, no, it was the even more important
fraank, dedicated to "fags recognizing artists actually needing
kudos"! The honor was given on FRANK DECARO's Sirius OutQ
radio program to everyone from myself to axed Air America host
LIZZ WINSTEAD (a friend of the gays), who told me off the air,
"They replaced us with Jerry Springer! How embarrassing!"
ceremony—live from the Dorothy Zbornak Pavilion—was
all about triumph as we were handed commemorative mugs designed
for holding our old sour grapes. Honoree LADY BUNNY called in
from Miami (she was there for spring break, no doubt) and said,
"There are so many hot Latin men here that with all the meat
and cheese I'm eating, it's been easy to stay on my Atkins diet."
"Hag of the century" Winstead controversially announced,
"The way you people spread disease around the world leaves
more for me at the buffet table!" And ROBERT VERDI seemed
genuinely touched, though fellow winner BOBBY RIVERS (of the Food
Channel) lamented, "If GARY COLEMAN played me in a TV movie,
he'd get a GLAAD Award and the free grilled-chicken-breast dinner
I've long been denied!" And even for a gay man, there's nothing
sadder than a free breast held just out of reach.